First the bad news. Today's planned review was originally planned to be a Japanese horror movie, something generally considered to be a modern classic. Unfortunately, due to some unforeseen difficulties, I was unable to see that movie, so we won't be talking about it today (or this year). I'm really sorry about it.
The good news is that we get to review the exact opposite thing: a mediocre '90s action movie.
Let's go!
SPAWN (1997)
Blogtober Qualifications: Demons, Hell, clowns, random green glow effects
Al Simmons (Michael Jai White) is a badass assassin working for corrupt... person (it's not clear if he's a businessman or a government official) Jason Wynn (Martin Sheen). However, Simmons is upset that Wynn has been lying to him about how much collateral damage (meaning innocent lives) his missions are creating, and decides to quit.
Unfortunately, it's really difficult to retire from killing people for money. Beyond that, Wynn has been making deals with literal devils, and Al's life is his latest bargaining chip. Wynn betrays Al on what should be his last mission, burning him alive and blowing up the facility he's in. Al Simmons is dead.
However, death is not the end for Al Simmons. Instead, he wakes up in an alley in New York city, horribly burned. Before long, he's approached by a crass, foul-mouthed clown (John Leguizamo), who offers to help Al get his life back, in exchange for one small thing.
Al just has to lead the forces of Hell in a war against Heaven.
In the interest of full disclosure, I'm gonna go ahead and admit that I have a soft spot in my heart for Spawn. I saw this movie as a kid (who let that happen?), and collected Spawn action figures whenever I could get my hands on them. I would sit and look at pictures of them on the Internet (we capitalized the "I" back then) for hours on end. No joke. So yeah, even though it's ridiculously grimdark, even though everything it did then has become cliche by now, even though it's absolutely dripping with '90s, I'll probably always like the character.
But the movie? Eh, not so much.
We'll start with the actors like always, but there's really only four people that need to be talked about.
First is Spawn himself, Michael Jai White. Now, I know nothing about MJW (as I'm sure his friends call him) as a person, but I've always kind of liked him. I'm not sure why. When you think about it, he's the quintessential '90s action hero, so it's almost a shame he never really took off as one. Hell, he's a better actor than JCVD! Though, that might be damning with faint praise.
Next up is Jason Wynn, played by the Illusive Man himself, Martin Sheen. Now let me tell you something right now, Martin Sheen is stone cold awesome. He makes a perfect "boss villain with all the money" character, and this movie is no different. Still, something tells me he doesn't quite get why he's in this movie in the first place, and I guess I can't really blame him. Ah well, he's still fun to watch.
Someone I didn't get to mention in the summary is Cogliostro, played by Nicol Williamson, whom I've never heard of before. Maybe he's someone important somewhere else, but here he's kind of phoning it in. He's a poor man's Obi-Wan Kenobi, dressed as a poor man's Fourth Doctor. The funny thing is that he was my favorite character as a kid. Ouch.
And finally we have John Leguizamo as the clown (known as the Violator but shh that's a spoiler). Okay, so on the one hand, this character is extremely annoying. He's comic relief in a movie that doesn't need comic relief, and his comic relief isn't even funny. He's also disgusting, and in a lot of ways ruins the movie.
On the other hand, it's amazing that this is John Leguizamo. Like, genuinely, if you've ever seen him in anything else (which you probably haven't because why the hell would you), it is astounding that he was able to pull this off. I mean, the character's terrible, but he plays it extremely well. It's not his fault all of his dialog is awful.
The story is lame and cliche, and it takes what was honestly a generally creative comic book series (I'm not saying it was good, just that it was creative) and boiling it down to the film equivalent of boiled rice. It's bland, it's not visually appealing, and, if you take away all the spice (the character of Spawn and his hellish origins), it's the same generic stuff you could get anywhere else. It's not horrible, but it is horribly "of the time."
And now for what I know everyone wants me to talk about: the effects. But I'm gonna go ahead and say that SOME of the effects are better than you remember. Yes, the CG used to make the demon lord Malebolgia makes the cutscenes in Blood Omen look like Final Fantasy XV. Yes, the scenes in hell are all poorly keyed, and the armies of Hellspawn are clearly just three or four sprites repeated ad infinitum. Yes at some points the greenish glow that shows up around stuff from Hell is cut off too early. All of that is true.
But what's also true is that some of it is actually okay. Sure, the effects of the cape are pretty shoddy by today's standards, but it was genuinely the best that could be do at the time. Besides, it only shows up about four times through the whole movie, which is its own problem.
Beyond that, though, are the practical effects. They are, by and large, pretty great. Spawn's costume, inaccurate though it is, is pretty sweet. I mean, yeah, the '90s (and the '00s, and Man of Steel) were all about how superhero costumes couldn't have color. That remains true here, but if you can look past that, the suit itself looks really, really good.
There's also the Violator, both as Clown Leguizamo and in his full-fledged demon form. The clown's makeup and fat suit are so well done that it makes it even harder to believe that Leguizamo is in there. And the demon form is a badass practical animatronic, I think? In the '90s! God, just think about the irony: the most advanced practical effects in history (at the time), and we were obsessed with replacing them with awful, awful, awful CG. It's a downright shame.
And that was Spawn. It's pretty lame, and a perfect representation of everything that was wrong with action movies in the '90s. But I think the worst part is that, with a few (okay a lot) changes, it could've been halfway decent. One thing's for sure: the character deserves better.
Tomorrow we take a brief respite from the '90s (but don't worry, we'll be back) and instead hop back ten years to take a look at the first in one of my favorite horror series.
Until next time!
Current interests:
Listening - Lazer Ryderz Soundtrack (2017)
Playing - Dead of Winter (2014)
Reading - B.P.R.D. Hell on Earth: End of Days (2016)
Watching - Thunderbirds Are Go! (2015)
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